Oh I know exactly what I am… Among other things I am a filthy smoker, and not just that, I’m a bloody re-start. After 3 years of thinking about smoking every freaking day, I started again. Man, it was AWESOME. I don’t really suffer any illusions that it makes me look cool, eat less, lowers my (already perfect) blood pressure- What it does for me is offer an escape from the mayhem and chaos inside my house. I can step outside for 5 minutes and not be followed. I can shut the door and light up and take deep calming breaths and flood my veins with precious nicotine and for just a minute or two, I feel free. Yes, I’m quite aware there’s no freedom to be had while you’re chained to a cigarette, that’s not what I’m looking to escape. I spend nearly every moment of my life looking to the needs of others; my husband, my child, all the other husbands (snort) and all the other children, the housework, the phone… 3 to 5 minutes, 10 times a day- that’s not even an hour of “me time”, and I don’t think it’s so much to ask. Yet the demands are always there, just on the other side of that door. Just on the other side of that selfish, masochistic moment, there is my life.
The last time I quit, was about the same time Mr Man announced that he didn’t believe I would ever quit smoking, and he supposed he would just have to get used to it. The nagging stopped, the snide remarks faded away, and finally, he stopped pestering me about it. It was bliss. And as the spotlight faded on my flaws, so did my desire to smoke. It just got more and more unpleasant and one day I stopped. Just like that. Cooooold Turkey baby.
But now… Now, it seems that every single move I make is up for discussion, every unsolicited opinion- my life is totally wide-fucking-open. That’s not to say I don’t care what some people think, but my core motto is in fact “you can either agree with me, or be wrong” (thanks Em 🙂 ), and that makes some of the conversations I have, well, rather difficult. SO- I smoke because I feel like it, I smoke because I can, and I smoke because it serves to alienate me from some people, and the ones who matter, they love me anyway. Yep, if you’re going to do something bad, do it for a good reason- I smoke for spite.