(the plastic hillbilly teeth were a nice touch)
Another year gone by, and what do I have to show for it? 10 more pounds, enough grey hair that I don’t get ID’d anymore, and a sense of bitterness surpassed only by my lack of desire to get up off my arse and do anything to change it. How sad is that?
Last month I “celebrated” 3 anniversaries. The first, was our 10th wedding anniversary. Ten whole years married to my DH. I find it unsurprising that I can average my weight gain to 10 lbs a year for those 10 years, and not wonder how that came about. If I’m overweight, I’m “Un-Sexy”, and if I’m unsexy, I can’t be made to wonder what life outside “this” is like. Fat is safety. I did stupid things and had a great deal of fun when I was not fat; therefore, I shall be fat and sensible and boring. Aren’t those the best reasons ever?
December also marked the first year in our new home. (and the actual birthday of the home). The house itself is shifting and settling; we’ve noticed that the upstairs bathroom door drags on the tile in the summer, and opens easily in the winter, and that if the monsoons in the summer are bad enough, the water collects at the man-door to the garage, and runs straight through to the bay doors in the back. We have some drywall repair to do as some of the screws are backing out and making little bumps in the paint. One whole year since we moved in, and there’s still some unpacking to do! I’m afraid that if I finally unpack the very last things, we’ll have to move.
And finally, last month was the end of one entire year since I quit my job. I have been a stay-at-home mom for 12 months, and probably the last 11 of those months I have spent struggling to come to terms with the fact that I really suck at it. I don’t have a single supermom bone in my body. That’s not to say that I can’t fake it, it just takes a great deal of effort. Trouble is, I have now made commitments to other working moms, and would feel horrible shame if I had to let them down. So I’ve decided to hold out for the rest of the school year, and spend some of the summer hooliganting around, and then… back to work. Besides, even if I went back to work tomorrow, I would have nothing to wear!
I think if I had to claim one single resolution this year, it would truly be to stop kicking myself for the choices I’ve made. To own up to my life and say “this is mine, I made it this way, and I like it just fine”. I have nobody to blame for my situation, and really, why should I? I am truly blessed! I have a hardworking husband, who busts his ass and makes my staying home an option, I have a terrific son who is loving and smart and at least moderately well adjusted, I have a beautiful home to fill with friends and family and laughter and mess… I have all my arms and legs and senses intact. Not everybody can claim all the things on that list, which makes me extremely fortunate.
So today, this minute, I am satisfied.
Happy New Year.