I tried to write this post yesterday, ran out of time, and after a quick look at it this morning, deleted the whole thing. I can be very long winded on the topic of anger, and the list of things I’m angry about can go on forever. And then I drift- not actually off topic, but trying to pick a coherent point out of my ranting is difficult, even for me!
So, I’m going to sit here, and stare at the screen and try to finish this self imposed outline
Its easy to let anger take over. It can have a negative impact on all the aspects of life. In my own mind, I win all the arguments. I am a master. I am cool, calm, and can slaughter anyone with my wit. When there’s nothing else happening, I will even invent an imaginary argument- apparently I’ve grown so used to having rampaging blood pressure and a knot in my stomach, that when things are going smoothly, I don’t know how to enjoy it. I still believe I have many good reasons to be angry- it is the natural response to being wronged by people I care about, and people I don’t care about I guess, and strangers, and so on… but it’s still normal, unless it starts keeping me awake at night, and making it so I can’t even stand to be in the same room with my husband because I’ve decided he must have done SOMETHING horrible I just have to figure out WHAT so I can really unleash on him.
Nobody is perfect, least of all me, but when I do some of these things, I feel better, and forget that I’m so angry. These things generally include a lot of positive self talk, mixed with making sure I get my needs met (ehh, well “needs”… that’s for another day I guess). I have to learn to get over the feeling that I’m leaving him behind when I go have a life. I can’t make that my problem any more. So I spend time with people who make me feel good about myself, people who make me laugh. I get a tanning membership, a gym membership, and I keep reminding myself that “I am amazing” and I am very very smart, and I am worth the fuss. It means getting out of bed when my alarm goes off so I can have that time to myself in the mornings to have coffee, poke around on the computer, maybe write something- before my other identity kicks in and I have to pack lunch and make breakfast and negotiate “what is and is not appropriate to wear- no you’re not wearing the same shirt four days in a row to school”… It means going to bed when I am sleepy instead of holding out for one more PVR’d episode of a show I don’t even like- so I can get up when my alarm goes off. Sometimes taking care of myself is so lonely. It means, ultimately, to not be so angry with MYSELF about how I let my life get to this, that I can move forward. On to bigger and better things and maybe some happiness.
I’ve said so many times “I don’t actually enjoy being angry” . But when it starts to look like I don’t know how to do anything else maybe it’s time for a change.