Also; Adolf Hitler, Eminem and Kanye

Thinking about my super hot new body (uh, the one that rocks out in my head while my fat butt bounces on the treadmill), and what I want it to look like. I automatically pick the “Badass” girls. And I mean Vampire Slayer or Tombraider badass, not Dawson’s Creek or (ack) Kristen Stewart. Don’t get me wrong- I HEART Katie Holmes but she’s so godawful skinny, and even all venom’d up, Bella Swan is a wretched looking carcass. Unless you like ribs and hipbones and not needing to breathe. Oh, and I should mention, I don’t mean BUFFY either. I’m talkin Eliza Dushku with her leather pants and that hair. OMG. (Also, these days, Angelina Theresa is looking like she hasn’t eaten a sacrificial puppy in a year) And while somewhere, in my dysmorphic and frustrated mind, I would dearly love to look that hot in a skelesuit- I am aware, I have far too much skin to get that ambitious. (That’s supposed to be funny btw). So, we focus on more realistic goals. And while I’m bouncing my butt off on the assorted torture devices, and frightening the Juice Monkeys with my killer Mom Arms, I picture the hard bodied-hot bootied-goddess haired badass I want to be.20130123-081739.jpg

Since we’re keeping it “realistic” here, I thought I would look up some of the hot stars that are at least my height- I didn’t know so many of the A-listers were so SHORT! Faith the Vampire Slayer is only 5’5”. So I guess I won’t be borrowing her pleather pants any time soon. But my Puppy Eating Princess of the Silver Screen “The Jolie”, tops out at 5’8”! So does Catherine Zeta Jones, and Katie Perry (also Rhianna and Whitney Houston but they aren’t cool). I’m pretty sure I’ve started shrinking already, because I’m POSITIVE I used to be almost 5’9” but nope. Just under. Still. The Jolie- too skinny. Catherine ZJ, I envision her as squishy- she’s always played up her curves and that amazing hourglass. And as for Cherry Chapstick- she’s so WHITE!

And I can’t afford enough blow for that superstar gauntness anyway.

Boobs. I’m pretty sure they’ve all got bigger boobs too.

And since I’m more or less sure none of those people are really real, and if they are, they have someone to swap bodies with so the temp can spend 40 hours a week vomiting and doing pilates while they hang out at the burger barn, I’m not going to get too wrapped up in the notion of ever, ever being able to wear pleather pants.

Anyway, I’ve promised myself 30 days of alternating cardio and strength, and to remember to eat breakfast, and to resist junk food more often than NEVER, and to get up at 6 every morning whether I need to or not. 30 days I can do. I’m on Day 7 now, and believe it or not, I can already notice that I’m feeling better.

Just forcing my ass out of bed right away when my alarm goes off and knowing by the end of the day “Hey, I was up at 6 this morning! That’s what useful people do!” has made a difference- my favorite noticeable change so far is being able to FALL ASLEEP. That’s something I have struggled with off and on for years. I would toss and turn and flail and fret (I’m sure part of this is to do with the NO BULLSHIT Zen program), and now, I feel sleepy between 9 and 10, and I go to bed, get comfy, and SLEEP. It’s beautiful.

Sleep, food, exercise. I can do this. (she says over her 3rd cup of coffee and contemplating ritz crackers with cream cheese for breakfast…) I know I can do this. The last time I tackled my tummy was WAY more hardcore- but I had the advantage of a BFF Personal Trainer and we really pushed each-other, and also had a blast heckling all the Lulu’s and the Steroid Steves. We never had to work on abs- we laughed enough. So, this time around, I’m solo, and having to learn all over again what it feels like to push through one more set or five more minutes. It’s great- I just wish Leah was here with me.

(if you ever decide to take on a personal challenge like this, don’t do it alone. Leah doesn’t live near me any more, but I send her daily updates, ask her advice, and she sends me encouragement and kudos and reminds me to eat- it’s way easier to give up when you avoid accountability for your goals.)

Ah, so, my day is mapped out- Breakfast, guitar, tan, gym, work… but I’ll leave you with something I learned about goals. Check your goals using this acronym- is it a SMART goal?


Set goals for yourself that you know you can keep up, that give you something visible or noticeable, that aren’t so far out there that you give up, that make sense, and that you can see on a calendar where you want to be when you’re finished.

In my case, 30 days at a time is something I can comfortably commit to, and by sticking with my plan, I know I will have visible and measurable results. I’ve done something like this before, so I know I can do it again, and I’m not setting unreasonable expectations on myself. And by keeping it short, I’m not waiting for something way off in the future- I can count down to the last day and feel good about getting there.

Day 7 here I come.

About staggeringduck

Look, I'm just awesome ok?
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