I tried to hide it for years, afraid my friends and family wouldn’t understand, afraid everything would have to change if they knew. I remember the excited flutter I would feel when I found someone like me. The surprise and then the instant bond as we shared something amazing. And then all the amazing back in the imaginary box and we would carry on, same as before.
I should have taken my cue from the way my friends and family reacted when I blurted out over thanksgiving dinner “I’m GAY”. A pause, a look, and continue chewing. “Uh huh, so?” was more or less the response I remember. (Among my friends, my orientation conflict has long been a source of amusement and not for a second has anyone ever loved me less for it. *phew*)
I should have just embraced it… instead, the long slow gradual outing has done not much more than torture me. Kept me in the closet longer than I needed to be. In the end, hardly anyone was surprised and we all carried on, same as before.
So I might as well get it over with- “Mom, Dad…World, I’m GEEK”. There I said it. Along with all the crazy, I am Geek. I am Trekkie, Buffette, Jedite, Big Bang Theorist, X in the window…. name it, and I probably love it.
I am the best kind of Geek and the worst kind of Geek, depending on how you look at it. I’m a functional fan. I’m not hiding in my Mom’s basement in a Klingon costume with orange stained fingers hacking away on a keyboard living out my life on fan-fic and forums. I am out and about in the world, for all intents and purposes a “regular person”… except the whole day I force marched my husband and son around to every last shop in Disneyland looking for the last R2D2 mouse-ears hat so I could get GEEK stitched into the back… I have an overdeveloped imagination and it serves me as well as it doesn’t. So when the power goes out, I run to the window to look for zombies, black helicopters and strange lights in the sky before it occurs to me to see whether the lights are on across the highway. I named my V-Jayjay “Jonathan Frakes” because whether or not the gardening is done, it’s still a Johnathan Frakes! (and if you don’t get it, then I don’t know what to say to you)
I have to say, it’s WAY more fun being OUT as a Geek than it ever was. I get to wear all the cool shirts, indulge in all the cool gadgets, snort when I think something is really really funny… I can relax and allow my imagination to take over instead of stress and suppress and try to act normal….normal… how awful!
The new Normal has become re-watching Firefly and Buffy (and starting after Angel, Star Trek TNG!) on netflix. The new Normal is Lightsaber Battles in the kitchen and my son and I practicing “force choke” while putting the dishes away. And when I see him reading the label on the soy sauce out loud with an extra nerdy slur ” Mmm, Sscoy Sscauscsce! Moscst Exxcscelent!” My heart warms and all is right in the world.
Knowing one’s heart is something that so few people ever experience. I’ve spent too much time already trying to create an image to suit other people. Denying who I am to fit in the round hole. I AM SQUARE!
Anyway, it’s a long day ahead of me to stifle the urge to neck-pinch the idiots and watch for who blinks wrong. So I leave you with this- “Dif-tor heh smusma”