Riding the Wave

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The laws of the Amazon Warrior Tribe and a few species of spider, dictate that after breeding, the female shall consume/destroy the male. (Or something like that- I’m not a scientist). Today, I’m gonna explain WHY.

**erm… the fine print… I’m not a doctor or a scientist or a therapist. This is intended for entertainment only. If you have any questions or disagree with anything I’ve written….well too bad. Go look it up yourself**

See the chart above- I stole it from here . 

The top line represents some fancy schmancy name for Estrogen. Estrogen is the juice of life for us women. Without it we would be…Men. But evolution/god just didn’t see fit to make us with enough to keep us firing on all cylinders all the time, so our bodies decided it would be best to ration it out. We need it to be fertile, and also to keep us from rampaging about biting people and setting fires (or locking ourselves in a closet with cake and a loaded weapon). But again, I point out, there’s not enough!

So, way back in cave-people time, around the creation of The Vampire Slayer (her secret? Estrogen, all the time.) the collective of Women got together and decided that a cycle would be most efficient, and for purposes of keeping track, they would base it on the lunar cycle of 28 days.

That 28 days would have to include time to breed, and time to not breed. Pretty basic. But life for the average cave-woman was much simpler. And it remained so to some degree all the way up to the creation of Birth Control. (made by a Man I don’t doubt, because who else would come up with “Hey! This horse is preggers! Let’s make the girls consume it’s pee and see what happens!?”). Birth Control and Women’s Lib ruined EVERYTHING.

So here we have it. The roller coaster of hormone(s) that rule our lives one month at a time. Men, I invite you to take this as an opportunity to learn something, and maybe understand why your girl is sitting on your chest with filed teeth and screaming obscenities (it had better not be because she walked in on you banging her friend). And Women, I consider the possibility that you are living in the dark and don’t actually know these things. Now you know. Knowledge is Power!

Days 1-5. “The Affliction” Most consider the cycle to begin on the first day of our period. Cramps, bloating and irritability are peaking. Men, consider you were doomed to bleed without dying for 4-7 days every month. It sucks. It’s inconvenient and tiring. All our energy is consumed with just getting through the week without any major embarrassment. And the primal need to have been impregnated has gone unfulfilled yet again- we aren’t even aware most of the time but deep down inside, we are disappointed.

Days 6-7. Starting to feel slightly more human. Estrogen is climbing back up to acceptable levels- levels to sustain mood, coherent thought, suppress Murderdeathrage. We’re back, and lookout! Because here comes the spike!

Days 9-11. Our hair seems shinier. We laugh at your jokes. Our boobs are magnificent and you can’t stop looking at them. You might catch us sniffing you. Watch out- we’re hunting. You might or might not be found worthy. We might or might not be sniffing other men. Can’t help it. It’s hormones.

Days 12, 13. Take your pants off. Just take them off. You are much less likely to be harmed in the ensuing struggle. Every woman at this stage in her cycle has a little cave-monster in her screaming to be impregnated . It’s frightening for us too. Women taking Birth Control are marginally less affected by this- but those who aren’t have ALL THE ESTROGEN right now- we can leap tall buildings, stop a bullet in flight and we can catch you no matter how fast you run or where you hide. Just take your pants off and get it over with.

Day 14. Gloating. We have taken what we wanted, and now we sit back and feel sexy and pick our teeth with your bones.

Days 15-18. Self doubt. Uh, what was his name? Is he going to call me? What’re you looking at? Do I look fat in these pants? At this point, the sudden drop in Estrogen leaves us reeling. That was quite a high to have the rug ripped out from under us, and now we’re not feeling so great.

Days 19-22. Things are looking up again. We’ve banded together with our friends, had a few glasses of something and bitched ourselves better. In tribal times, we would be dancing the Dance of Winning All the Things over your mass graves. A little rush of self satisfaction.

Days 23-28. And here we go into the abyss. Over the next few days, we begin to bloat up and sore boobs and irrational tears. It doesn’t matter whether we’ve known you since last week or been married to you for 20 years- you were a MISTAKE. You aren’t the least bit funny, that mole on your neck is weird and repulsive, and you smell terrible. Go away! Come back! Don’t leave me alone. Go away! Bring chocolate. Diet Chocolate- wait, are you calling me fat? Five or six days of this and we can’t even stand to be around ourselves! But the end is in sight. Next comes…

Day 1.

Now you are armed with Knowledge. You could use it for good or for evil. On the other hand, Boys, if you try to explain this to your women- especially during any time between Days 1-28, you may wake up in the middle of the night to find a wild haired cave monster eating your face. And Girls- we don’t have to be ruled by the tide. Just knowing what the hell is the matter can make a huge difference.

Like I said to my Darling Husband last night “Sorry I’m so cranky, it’s not you…well, it’s mostly you… but it’s not your fault you’re you…I will try not to be so cranky…except when I can’t help it…like when you’re you.”

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About staggeringduck

Look, I'm just awesome ok?
This entry was posted in funny, My Life, Slayeriffic and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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