Results not Typical

In my mind, I am a hot, hard, Slaying machine. On the outside, I am an overweight thirtysomething chick with tired joints and some sort of glitch in the ticker.

Once in awhile though, I really forget that I’m not already super fit. In the middle of a workout I’ll get a sudden inrush of endorphins and BLAM- I’m sprinting through a graveyard in hot pursuit of a filthy demon. Leaping over gravestones, handstanding and launching feet first to attack the bad guy. Hiiyah! Kick! Boof! POW! ZAM! And I tear it’s head off with my bare hands and it explodes into dust. And I say something clever, and Spike comes out from behind a tree and he says something clever and we walk together out of the graveyard. End Scene.

ehhh…What can I say. I’m insane.

Meanwhile, back in the gym, I’ve probably blasted through 5 more reps of something that I shouldn’t have or pushed a little harder on the cardio- basically I’ve forgotten what body I’m trapped in, and it takes only a moment and there, I’ve totally overdone something. It’s a really fine line in my mind between challenging myself and going completely overboard- So I tend to err on the side of caution. And I’m on that side right now, looking over the fence at the bright shiny RESULTS that I long for.

My goal for the next 30 days- Start finding ways to overcome my limitations instead of working around them.

I’ve made an appointment for a free (included in my good old Y membership) session with one of the personal trainers. I’ll go this morning and see what he/she has to say and maybe find some things to add to my routine. Fine tune what I’m already doing and maybe get some new ideas. But this is something I’ve been avoiding for several reasons. First of all, I’m worried that they’re going to be retards. Plunk me on a treadmill or get me doing stupid circuits on the onesizefitsall machines. I already know how to do that, and it’s not in the least what I consider a challenge….

Mainly, I’m worried that whoever I end up with this morning has never been overweight. I can’t STAND fit people with no perspective. The last thing I need is some super ripped guy who went from being fatally skinny in his teens to bulking up and becoming a “boot camp” instructor, telling me how to get in shape. Or worse, trying to empathize. Or worse worse, judging me and making me feel bad about being fat as a means of motivation. I think it might have to be my first question- “Have you ever been overweight? And I don’t mean the 10lbs you put on over Christmas at your moms, I mean can’t buy clothes at a regular store any more. Have you ever gone into Reitmans and realized the next size up could be Mumu?”

Now, it’s not a prerequisite. I just need to know that this person has some perspective, and a healthy respect for what it’s really like to struggle.

Anyway, I will go, and discuss my goals, and see whether he/she understands what I mean by limitations. And see what their idea of “Fit” is and whether that looks at all like mine. And if not, I will cartwheel over and kick him in the teeth and drive a stake through his chest.

…uh… heheh…


About staggeringduck

Look, I'm just awesome ok?
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