An apparent combination of mental and physical fatigue has me feeling totally sidelined this week. Knowing I must remain ever vigilant against the Demons Complacency and Apathy, I feel as though I’ve lost ground in the struggle.
There’s just too much going on.
My mind is reeling with the longest to-do list ever and all the unanswerable questions about our upcoming plans to move and everything that will/might mean for us, and my body is in cahoots with the overwhelmed subconscious- they’ve been turning off my alarm and telling me to go back to sleep since the weekend. I don’t know how to get back on track. I’m tired, and I’m feeling really emotional and anxious and scared, and all I wanna do is climb under the covers and stay there until someone comes to fix it all for me.
I’m on new turf. Shaky new turf. Alien. I’m afraid I’ve ridden out the amazing high from all my super-successes of late and now I’m at the “What Next” stage. Now is where I have to implement all the things I’ve been preparing for and working so hard to make possible. I’m standing at the bottom of a cliff and I’m terrified of putting my hand in the first hold- it stares me down and mocks me. “Don’t worry” it rumbles at me “You probably won’t fall- But I’m thinking I might collapse on you!”.
I can coat it all in shiny metaphors and analogies, I can analyze the crap out of everything, but it all comes down to Fear again. And my instincts say if I hold really really still and speak in a low monotone and begin to back away in the direction I came from, I can get away from it. But what I’m really afraid of is knowing that I’m supposed to shout and wave my hands about and rush it head on. I’m supposed to scare Fear away, and it’s supposed to take Complacency and Apathy with it. And knowing that once that’s done, I slog through the bush and over the hills and wait for it to rally its forces and jump out again. Just around the bend it will wait, this time with reinforcements. Self Doubt is dogging my flanks and Self Pity brings up the rear, waiting to pick over whatever is left.
Now, my day waits for me- full of possibility and potential. I could get up from the computer and do what I need to do, or I could look at my excuses list and find a way to avoid all of it…
Yesterday I was feeling pretty miserable and sorry for myself. It happens. But I got most of the things done I wanted to and managed a pretty terrific workout with my very terrific buddy- and today I’m back in action 🙂