The Bird

I just read this, and blew coffee out my nose. Brittany does that to me regularly. She is one of my internet heroes. Go- and like her as much as I do! (but not yet- first I have to tell you about The Bird!)

So… Generally not a day goes by on the farm without something going down that fits into one or more of the following categories; Hilarious, Unbelievable, Catastrophic, or just plain Weird. Weird like the time the chickens stayed up all night and scratched every last speck of sawdust in the shed up against the south wall… Hilarious like when the goats all got out and scampered around stuck together like they were playing a game of sardines. You get the idea…

The Animal Channel (tuned in on the back porch at my mom’s) is ceaselessly entertaining. But once in awhile, the human factor mashes all the genres together and makes for some ridiculously crazy shit.


The kid and I are visiting the farm. We’re on the floor in the canning room for some reason or other (the cabin was out of commission I guess), and it’s dark in there. Really dark. My mother is apparently allergic to ambient indoor light, and also, there is only a screened “window” in that room that Bruce fills with a chunk of insulation depending on the season. So it’s night, and it’s dark. I’m working my way off to sleep with the usual tossing and turning and fidgeting and the kid is out cold- a day of fresh air and chasing Bruce around “helping” has totally worn him out. I settle down and am almost completely comfortable and all the way asleep when all of a sudden,

“Mom? What’s that bird doing in here?”

I start awake, eyes wide looking into blackness, and for a second wonder whether he actually said anything… “There’s no bird in here child, go to sleep”

and in his best creepy little boy voice he replies “Yeeesss, there is…. it’s right behind youuu…”

My heart ceased to beat- my throat closed up- I saw little specs of color and light flashing against my retinas, and I think I might have peed just a little.

I slowly reached up- knowing that the cord to turn on the light was somewhere above me, and knowing that I couldn’t quite reach it without sitting halfway up. I reached and I reached and in a desperate lunge I threw myself up off the floor and yanked the cord.

Not a bird. But I saw this once too. Just wanted to share.

And there we were. In the canning room. Filled with light there were the shelves, and the boxes and all the assorted canning supplies. The sack of potatos in the corner snickered at me. The jars in rows winked knowingly. And down there beside me, my angelic son. Sound asleep. Sound. Fucking. Asleep. Mocking me with his innocence while I tried to slow my galloping heart. There was no bird. There was nothing right behind me… and there was no sleep to be had that night, or the next. Hard to sleep with all the lights in the room on.

I still get the eebie jeebies when I tell this story. And while I can’t sleep with any light in the room, I still look very carefully around before I shut them all out. No birds, no deranged wolf-dogs. And a plan of action should one appear ( I like to think I will leap out of bed and go all Vampire Slayer on it’s ass-) probably scream my damn head off until someone rescues me. From the bird…


About staggeringduck

Look, I'm just awesome ok?
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