So, since my last post, I have ass-over-teakettled into a nasty bout of depression. In fact, I think the whole Hoodie post was a big red flag had I bothered to notice.
Since the seriously crazy week I spent working out of town, they haven’t called me out for more work, and there was apparently a Management SNAFU and the guy who hired me in the first place isn’t there anymore, and the chick who replaced him doesn’t return calls. While I admit it would be nice to be out there making good money to offset what we just racked up to send me to school in January- I’m not prepared to beg- “pleeease can I come work? can I have my old room back with the sticky headboard? I don’t mind driving bush roads in the dark! I don’t even need directions!”… no.
Anyway… I was about 2/3 through all 202 episodes of Greys Anatomy when I realized, I was seriously screwed up. All the wanna wanna was evaporated. I had been wearing the same nasty hoodie and sweats for at least 3 days, and other than fetch the kids from school I couldn’t make myself leave the house. I wasn’t totally paralyzed, although from here looking back it’s all rather foggy. I made food- sometimes, laundry- sort of, bathed- often enough, cleaned- ish… but mostly I slept late, watched tv, and slept some more. And felt really really sorry for myself.
I know my Darling Spouse noticed- but he didn’t dare say anything. He didn’t need to; who knows better than the crazy person what everyone is thinking anyway. So I continued to sit and rot in my self pity and frustration.
There were “good” days in there- I would apply for more jobs like the one I wasn’t working at- all with a pleasant and straightforward letter stating what I was looking for and that I would only be able to work full time until the end of December- and that I had a 10 day trip planned- but as October slipped through my fingers and we began to count off days in November, it became more and more obvious that I wasn’t going to get into the oil patch this year.
Which left me with retail jobs- everyone is looking for extra help this time of year! I figured I could stand to do just about anything knowing it would only be for about 6-8 weeks. So I applied at the new Costco for a cashier position. After a week and no call I tried a few other places, and Costco finally called me and asked if I was interested in a stocking job. Sure. Why not. I headed in for the interview- it was one of those horrible 2 manager and questions on a form events. “Tell us about a time when you handled a conflict”, “if you have one customer needing help and another customer asked you for help also, what would you do”, “how do you handle tasks”… fuck I hate those- I believe they’re designed to see how well you can fling bullshit on the fly. Which, fortunately for me, is quite expertly.
At the end of the interview I explained my availability issues and he said he would have to get back to me about that as they do not allow scheduled time off in December “however I believe you are a good candidate for the position”. *snort*
Another week slides away and I get a call to see if I’m still interested in a “career” with Costco. “Sure!” I say, “and the time off in December isn’t going to be a problem?”….
“oh…um…” he says, “I’ll have to call you back”
at which point, he un-offers me the job. And that, was the last straw for me.
I staggered around near tears for days. Nobody wants me. All my awesomeness is just a sham. I can’t even get a shitty job stocking shelves! STOCKING SHELVES! Everybody hates me. Maybe I should run away. Maybe I should go back up north and beg for my beer-store job and sleep on someone’s couch. Maybe if I lay here and count backwards from 99 for the zillionth time I will die. My spouse despises me. My child despises me. My cat all-out hates my guts. I am useless. This hoodie smells awful.
I wasn’t precisely suicidal but I wouldn’t have minded having a meteor fall on my head. And I knew that I was depressed, and that just about whatever I thought about anything was speaking directly from that depression.
So I started doing what a healthy crazy person does- I forgave myself.
I made myself a deal- I told myself I was allowed to feel shitty, but that I couldn’t do it all day long. So I got one episode of Greys, and had to get up and do a thing. One episode, shower. One episode, a load of laundry. One episode, vacuum… and on like that. Get the kids, drop them off, go get the mail- one episode… slowly but surely, the house got put back together, the giant heap of laundry (I don’t know where all that was coming from, since I was living in like, 2 shirts and 2 pants day after day) disappeared, the rest of the people in the house stopped whispering judgey things inside my head, and in return for the reprieve I made dinner out of more ingredients than “toast”.
Not my first rodeo- I’ve learned over the years that the only working treatment for my depression is action and distraction. And talk to my mom- who always knows when to pat me on the head, and when to kick my ass. And talk to my friends who tell me I’m amazing. And apologize to my Spouse for, truly, I treat him terribly when I’m like this and he’s so sooo patient.
Am I all better? No. Not even close. I am at this moment wearing my nastiest hoodie and my sweats over top of my pajamas. I need a shower and to put on my gameface (and actual pants- I have an interview today at the hardware store). I have a million things to do just to be prepared to start school in the New Year, and appointments lined up to knock down, and as if I needed another issue but I’m now having trouble sleeping- I must have had too much recently and my brain is in overdrive all night.
All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and celebrate even the smallest achievements. Today I got out of bed before 7am (never mind that I didn’t actually sleep). I had breakfast with my kid before school. I wrote a blog post. *self high five* and my interview in a few hours will go well and even if I don’t get the job, it was probably for a good reason. And if I crash halfway through today, that’s what tomorrow is for.
“am I insane” asked Alice
“yes, but all the best people are” replied her father”
― Alice in wonderland