D.I.E…..ting

Ah… You’ve been missing me have you?

Well, I could tell you all about the DRAMA going on in EMT school right now, and the rising levels of frustration…but I’ve been working on NOT wallowing in that mess so, no, I won’t tell you about that. Nor will I tell you about my windshield adventure, nearly getting mowed down by a five-ton truck, or accidentally sticking myself during IV practice in class last week. These are all minor adventures and while there is a fair amount of hilarity involved- not enough to fill a whole post in.

I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU ALL LISTEN TO ME GO ON ABOUT MY DIET!

Yesss.

So. 6 or so weeks ago my Darling Spouse tried to get me to watch some crazy internet video (read;advertisement) on “Why Yeast is Causing ALL THE THINGS wrong with you”…and “why if you just buy our factory direct super-potent probiotic supplement, you can carry on eating shit every day and get THIN and Healthy and Cure Baldness (and what-the-hell-ever). For only 69.95 a month with our special introductory offer”. *FACEPALM*

IMHO, there are only two magical cures for being fat.

1. You have a previously undiagnosed medical condition- say, hypothyroidism. You get that hormone replacement going and blammo- you will probably start losing some weight. (and don’t get all up in my face and start talking about “subclinical metabolic imbalances” etcetera, if you have it in you to badger the shit out of a doctor or three until they start treating you for something they don’t think you really have, you could also channel that energy into eating some broccoli and walking all the way to the mailbox once a day- and don’t be surprised if your prescription tastes a little like tic-tacs in a fancy bottle)

and 2. It comes in a fine white powder, goes up your nose, and costs you a fortune. Yeah, melt those pounds away, along with your bank account, brain cells and your happy life.

Aaaanyway…. I did my very best to explain to the man that “yes, probiotic supplements can be beneficial” but “NO, they WON’T save you from your shitty couch potato lifestyle and garbage processed food diet”.

He was mad.

But not as mad as the first day we brought home the “Yeast Buster to the Rescue” Candidiasis cleanse kit. (that’s a mouthful to say!) and started reading through the booklet.

Basically what happened is this- I said “Fine- if you want to blame yeast overgrowth for what’s wrong with you, we do the cleanse, and we do it right.” I’ve done the cleanse before- all by myself, with no support or encouragement (to get rid of a nasty skin problem), and while it was fairly miserable, it WORKED. And I lost some pounds.

The kit comes with a bottle of liquid bentonite clay, a bottle of capryllic acid in calendula oil, a bottle of psyllium husk powder, a bottle of probiotic capsules, a shaker cup, and a booklet that details “why yeast is making all the things wrong with you” (lol) and this is how you will suffer for your cause.

No Wheat. No Sugar. No Dairy. No Yeast. No Caffeine. No Fruit. No Vinegar. No Soy. No Soy Sauce. No Booze. No Mushrooms. No White Rice. No Potatos. No Deli Meat. (and that’s just the highlights)

And every morning, add the Bentonite, Capryllic Acid and psyllium husk powder to the shaker cup with 6oz of water and shake….and drink it… You can add 2 oz of unsweetened apple juice if you’re desperate to offset the taste of drinking brimstone.

The carb craving tantrums went on for days. DAYS. I have to admit, there were moments in that first week that I felt like I could roundhouse kick a baby to get me a bowl of cereal- but after we went and did some serious grocery shopping (and label reading and label reading and label reading) we finally had enough stuff in the house that was safe to eat and some meal planning going on and we (I) started suffering a little less.

Do you know there’s sugar in nearly everything you buy? Salad dressing- added sugar. Any kind of barbeque sauce, meat marinade, gravy, dairy products, deli meats… It took a little creativity to come up with alternatives to what we were used to pouring on or soaking our food with. Oh, and artificial sweeteners are not only NOT allowed, but they’re the Devil anyway.

Fast forward 3 weeks and 10 lbs (for me) and one measly pound for Husband- I genuinely don’t understand why he hasn’t lost weight. I wore my “not stretchy” jeans yesterday and felt like a million bucks. Husband is still feeling sorry for himself and lonely for potatos. I totally get that every individual body is different, but this is the FIRST TIME EVER that a “diet” of any kind has lost me any significant amount of weight. And I’ve been on a few of them over the years. The hard part is not doing the Smug Dance in front of my husband.

HA!

If I HAD to wonder why we’re having such wildly different results;
-I would speculate that it’s because I am marginally more active- When the weather is nice I walk with the neighbor mom to get the kids from school. And when I’m at school I walk around the building the long way once or twice a day (smoking) just for fresh air and to get away from the screaming pipes overhead in the hallway.
-I’m highly suspicious that I have a problem with wheat. I’ve had it twice in the last three weeks and both times I had bloating and gas start almost immediately and last into the next day. Husband insists he does not have the same issue. So removing wheat and gluten from MY diet made a pretty significant difference.
-Also, adding all the vegetables and taking away my 4-6 apple fritters a week probably helped…
-Any time you have a major shock to your diet, your body will react in one of two ways. It will freak out and you will poop more, or it will freak out and you will not poop at all (think about getting all bunged up when you travel). I’ve been graced with the former. Husband with the latter. You can’t expect the scale to move if your bowels aren’t also moving.

If you’re following the premise of the diet- you’re starving the overgrowth of Candida, cleaning it out of your digestive system and working to restore the balance of natural intestinal flora. In the meantime,you’re also trying to avoid foods that break down very readily into sugars (Fruit, white rice, potatos, starchy vegetables) and the most common allergen inducing food proteins (dairy, wheat, corn).

At first glance, it’s a terribly restrictive diet, and almost guaranteed to be impossible to follow for an extended period- yet the book in the kit says that some people will need to stay on it for up to 8 weeks just to notice improvement! And then they talk about slowly discontinuing by reintroducing the “NO” foods one at a time to assess for tolerance. (when I did the diet way back I lived on broccoli and chicken breast for 3.5 weeks and when the skin thing went away, I stopped the diet. It really was almost impossible as I was the only person in the house at the time on the diet so most of the time I just didn’t eat)

But realistically speaking, if you consider what many people eat, it’s a majority of processed, packaged foods high in starch and added sugar. (the low fat revolution is killing us). I read the bottle of ranch dressing as I poured out some dip for my son and had a COW and wouldn’t let him eat it. So you take out the carbs and the starch and the chemicals and sugar and artificial sweeteners and amazingly enough, you’re left with REAL FOOD…minus the wheat and corn and potatos…for now…

It helps that both Husband and myself are decent cooks. We’ve discovered that organic tomato sauce (no added sugar), a splash of lemon juice and some judicious seasoning application works as well (if not better) than the barbecue sauce for marinating red meat. Plain yogurt and onions and garlic etc. does well for chicken and fish. Costco sells a huge variety of wild rice and ancient grain blends. And if you go look in the “bagged salad” section there are some super delicious dressings that don’t include sugar or vinegar (yogurt is dairy BUT it’s also probiotic so I consider it neutral).

We’re into the second kit now and I’m looking down the road and trying to decide what parts of the diet are sustainable- basically how to avoid going right back to the way we were eating and undoing any good we’ve accomplished. Husband misses potatos and gravy. Those are his Number One and Number One things…And Cheese is his other Number One.His love affair with food easily eclipses any joy he gets out of any other thing but Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movies. So how to add those things back in and keep some semblance of moderation…

I can’t say what exactly I feel deprived of. Now that we have a good grasp on what we can eat and how to make it tasty- I’m not suffering all that much. There are times of day when I feel like making really bad choices but believe it or not- the worst I do is count out FOUR chocolate chips and eat them one at a time over an hour or so while we’re watching TV. Sometimes I get up in the morning and realize I only ate 3. Yes, I miss apple fritters…. mmmm CARB RUSH! But after 3 weeks essentially gluten free and understanding what happens when I do eat wheat… well, I honestly don’t miss them THAT much. Bread doesn’t even register as food anymore. It sits on the counter and it’s just something the kid eats.

I’m not a doctor or a nutritionist- but I do know a little about how a body works and how it gets what it needs from food… and what happens if you give it things it doesn’t need or can’t work with. So I suppose it’s just a matter of sorting out how to get what I need and ditch the things I don’t (…apple fritters 😥 ….)

Do I think “Candidiasis” is really what’s the matter with either of us? ….well if you mean “too much sugar and carbs and crap”, then YES. Wholeheartedly and sincerely YES. Do I think the Devil’s Piss and Brimstone drink is really helping?… mmmmaybe…. Even without all the hype and icky diet program, you can attribute a LOT of health problems to just too much sugar (without saying it’s YEAST). Eczema, psoriasis, blood sugar fluctuation, bad breath, stomach problems…. and even more to wheat and gluten (you don’t have to have celiac disease to have a problem with many grains). Bloating, gas, diarrhea, more skin issues… Dairy is the NUMBER ONE food intolerance in the world- if you don’t have trouble with dairy, good for you, dairy is AWESOME- but if you do, say hello to even more digestive, skin and other health issues.

So this diet removes ALL of those things and it’s not surprising that anyone who tries it might start feeling better after a few weeks. And as you gradually reintroduce these foods (if you’re doing it one thing at a time and not diving into a bowl of sugared wheat puffs with milk right away) many people will probably notice something sets off a reaction.

Would I recommend it? Ah… maybe. I don’t think it’s for everyone. Honestly. If you can cook, have time to cook, and can read labels, then you could just as easily try it without the *shudder* morning “drink”- here’s a link to the booklet . Also, don’t be alarmed if you look at the Symptoms Checklist and Quiz. They’re all very vague and nonspecific and TOTALLY DESIGNED to make you score frighteningly high. Instead focus on the Yes, Reduce, and NO foods lists. It gives you an idea of what foods you might be eating too much of (regardless of the CandiDevil lurking in your gut).

Make sure you’re sitting down and eating something terrible while you read it (just for me).

Oh, and just to get you thinking- go lift up a gallon of milk- do it. Heavy right? That’s about 10 lbs 😀